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The Angry Designer - rantisms
Jun 2

inspired by a douche bag in a bmw

while i was out for my morning breakfast snack break at einstein bagels i had an interesting occurrence. while i was inside getting my southwest panini morsel of joy, a big awesome douche bag in a new black bmw 2-door 6 series decided to park next to the car that i was in. he parked in such a manner that i wished at the moment that i had a sweet double-sided business card like this one that i made when i got back to the office:

now i am properly prepared for my next douche bag parking encounter.


May 18

words that hurt andy why

just in case you didn’t know, here is a list of words that hurt and why-

please try to use them to offend / hurt others appropriately in your daily conversations.

-TAD


May 2

my last name is not gonzalez

i get a few calls a week on my direct phone line from latino telemarketers.

i guess some guy named gonzalez used to work in my position 2 years ago.

call goes like this:

me: hello, this is robert?

telemarketer:  is this mr. gonzalez’ son?

me: no this is robert.

telemarketer: is this mr. gonzalez?

me: no. does my voice sound like my last name is gonzalez?

telemarketer: no sir.

me: sir, this is a print shop and i am a computer operator. if my last name was gonzalez, i would not be able to operate a computer.

telemarketer: sorry for taking up your time.

me: you can call any time, as long as it is to tell me you have a free lunch for me.

telemarketer: we will not call again.

me: i think i’m falling in love with you.

telemarketer: have a nice day, sir.

me: my day would be nicer if you brought me a free lunch.

telemarketer: i am not allowed to give you a free lunch.

me: what if you just come by and feed me my lunch that i already have in the fridge?

telemarketer: i cannot do that, sir.

me: does this mean you are breaking up with me?

telemarketer: we will not call again.

me: you are going to make me cry.

telemarketer finally hangs up.

 

 


Apr 27

spinning beach ball of death

i try to do a routine save-as-you-go every hour or so as a rule of thumb.

so i go to save my last 45 minutes of design awesomeness.

and.

i.

see.

this:

i fucking hate you spinning beach ball of death.

you owe me 45 minutes of design time. and 45 minutes of my life back.

for the record, mac / apple computers do crash. not all the time, but they do crash. especially when working on something important.

p.s.- i hate you.


Apr 14

not so angry today

today was a relatively great day. nothing to rant about. i did find this awesome cake very funny. it’s as funny as an old man with alzheimer’s flipping off little kids at the mall.

i found this awesome pic on thechive.com


Apr 7

goal planning for dummies

i had another sweet meeting with our owner this morning. apparently i did not use the “S.M.A.R.T.” method when i planned out my personal company goals.

here is the “S.M.A.R.T.” method:

S= Specific
M=Measurable
A=Attainable
R=Realistic
T=Time-certain

basically the smart method makes sure your chosen company goals are not dreams and actual goals. no shit?

when i originally set my goals with my boss (not the owner) we basically came up with the goal of learning a few key specific skills that would help generate more revenue for the company, which in turn would generate more revenue in my paycheck.

so i came up with this awesome diagram to help my goals fit in the smart system:

yep. i think i pretty much nailed this S.M.A.R.T. method down with my boss when we made my original red goal card featured in this awesome diagram.

you should all thank me for breaking all this complicated shit down for you.


Apr 6

free candy and a free ride in my van

there was a creepy dude sitting in his vehicle out in the parking lot for a disturbingly long ass amount of time. there he sat in the front fucking row, facing inside our shop.

he was on the phone for a while (probably talking to his favorite pedophile priest about only god knows what),

then he sat and started eating his lunch and stared in at us while he chewed with his mouth open. then he decides to come in the store and start designing his awesome brochure on his laptop in our lobby. he has a proof printed out & it looks like a shitty art project that belongs on grannie’s refrigerator with a sweet alphabit magnet. all it needs is some dried macaroni glued to it. now he wants free photoshop lessons on how to make his shitty photo look better- guess what- it’s a shitty fucking photo. ansel adams would throw up if he saw it being reproduced. i think he’s in a hurry to get out of here, most likely because the local elementary school bus is about to drop all the cute little kids off from school at his favorite bus stop with sweet parking for windowless ford econoline vans.


Apr 5

unattended children will be sold into slavery

clients in front of shop keep letting their kids run rampant in the front area. i wish i had some espresso and a free kitten for each of the two little shit making machines. maybe a mountain dew and a king size bag of skittles for each kid will suffice.

seriously parents- one smack to the back of the head is different from repeated smacks to the back of the head with a fist. it’s not abuse unless you leave a visible bruise.

also for a side note- quit eating clomid like it’s candy- maybe try some yaz or depo or a nuvaring.

 

 


Apr 4

Three Wolf Moon T-shirt

A couple of weeks ago we had one of our clients come into the office.  He is a photographer and specializes in nature and wild animal photos.  He deals with bears and especially wolves.  He was wearing a three eagle t-shirt which I must admit is pretty awesome.  This awesome shirt reminded me of my favorite shirt which I am sure my customer has.  It is called the three wolf moon shirt which comes with amazing powers.  While wearing this shirt, you can attract more women, or men if you are gay. It will help you grow a mullet 5 times faster, and has natural healing powers.  If you don’t believe me, please read the reviews from Amazon.  If it’s on the internet, then it has to be true.  http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve-Medium/dp/B000NZW3J8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301946095&sr=8-1

I wish all my customers were this computer illiterate and stylish.

 


Mar 28

mystery man update

well my mystery man design consult ended up being fucking weird. this guy looked like christopher lloyd fucked elliot gould and the offspring did a lot of meth. nice fellow though. he basically had me design a diagram, then cover it up with a color (so it was a secret and nobody could see what it was) – it took all the self control in the world for me to keep a straight face as i handed him his final artwork- all it was was a shit-ton of pretty little boxes of solid color on a sheet of paper. p.s.- the color laser printer doesn’t give two shits about what’s covered up by a colored object on top of it.